Chris Whitty isn’t very witty,
The news he delivers is always pretty shitty:
Presenting grave predictions from the sombre SAGE committee,
Giving us the R rate of the most affected city,
Warning of dire measures with a face arranged for pity,
He always seems to get down to the morbid nitty-gritty.
Scaring kids half witless with his public service broadcasts,
Undermining Boris with his pessimistic line graphs,
Trying to hide his anger when MPs break all the rules,
Exposing all their lies and thus revealing them as fools.
He always tells it straight, he’d be the first one to admit he
Would never joke around because he’s just not very witty.
Patrick Vallance is a man of many talents;
A physician on a mission with three Bachelors of Science.
His easy-going manner brings a semblance of balance
As he talks through TV briefing slides with calm and cool nonchalance.
But his talk of herd immunity was met with much defiance;
He quickly backtracked on that term, assuming meek compliance.
He’s also been accused of spreading gloom by commentators,
Not to mention Tory ministers and angry demonstrators.
Never one to rise to bait, he takes it all within his stride,
Though representing SAGE has been a tough and rocky ride.
Through lockdowns 1, 2, 3 and 4 he kept us sane and balanced,
Yes, good old Patrick Vallance is a man of many talents.
JON VAN TAM
Jon Van Tam is quite a funny man;
With colourful analogies to illustrate the plan,
He charms the pants off everyone and reassures your nan.
He’s been a source of comfort since this whole damn thing began.
Affectionately known as JVT within his clan,
He steps up to the plate each time the shit heads for the fan.
With stories about football, trains and yoghurts, springs and pants,
He’s known for chiding journalists with monumental rants.
Issuing red cards to those he feels aren’t playing fair,
Delivering harsh truths with his most condescending glare.
Espousing witty metaphors and similes deadpan,
We’ll all remember JVT as quite a funny man.