Menu
“Not another blog post offering a bunch of inane so-called ‘tips’ about the aging process?” So goes the rhetorical cry of a generation of soon-to-be seniors, fed up to the back implants with such drivel.
Here you will find no such trivia dressed up as actual helpful advice. No, you will simply find trivia for trivia’s sake. Let’s be totally upfront and transparent here – the following tips can’t and won’t help you at all.
You have been warned.
With many tips for the price of one, this quintessentially British cuppa can help to boost connections between parts of your brain, enabling more efficient communication and better cognitive function for longer, according to a new study published in the US journal, “Aging.”
This popular brand was launched in the UK as a loose-tea leaf in the 1930s. It was originally called Pre-Gest-Tee, as in those days it was thought that tea aided digestion. When this awkward moniker was abbreviated to PG by grocers and salesmen, the company incorporated it into the product’s official name, adding the word, ‘Tips’. The PG Tips tea-bag was launched in the 1960s.
And who could ever forget those chimps dressed as humans from the 1970s and 80s TV ads? How did they ever get away with that?!
Despite being warned against it by medics, many people seem to relish cleaning out their hairy lug holes with Q-tips. (That’s if you’re American, of course. If you live in the UK, you can just use cotton buds like the rest of us).
While it’s undoubtedly a good thing to be able to hear what’s going on around you as you age (especially when your loved ones, sick to death of your incessant whining, start whispering about putting you in a home), digging about inside your ear with a Q-tip can certainly do more harm than good.
There are many horror stories all over the internet about people who have suffered painful infections, impacted earwax, permanent tinnitus, and significant hearing loss, due to a cotton bud getting stuck deep inside their ear canal. Some have even needed surgery as a result. Not to mention the embarrassment when you turn up at A&E.
So, there. You’ve been warned. Again. You’re still gonna do it though, aren’t you?
Whether we do it or not, we’re all familiar with the concept of tipping cab drivers, hairdressers, and restaurant waiting staff. This guide for tourists planning a trip to the UK suggests you should also be tipping hotel porters, door staff, spa and gym staff, and manicurists (?!).
Here’s a bonus tip: we wouldn’t need gratuity tips at all if these workers were paid a decent wage in the first place.
We all know about the kind of hot tip (reliable insider information) you can get from bent bookmakers and professional tipsters when gambling on a horse race or playing the stock market.
But who knew that it can also be a form of sexual torture (according to the Urban Dictionary, at least).
You did? Oh. Ok, then.
Why not purchase a fabulous new hat, just so you can tip it at random passers-by, in the manner of an extremely polite, slightly insane, yet mysterious person from a 1930s film noir.
Why not acquire a walking cane with a metal tip, just so you can dance around maniacally in the street, tapping it rhythmically on the tarmac in time with your steel toe-caps in the manner of a slightly deranged Fred Astaire.
People just love an eccentric old person.
A crucial tool for profiling criminals for hundreds of years, the fingertip offers up a unique DNA imprint which can be stored on a national database (IDENT1) and accessed by a number of national and international security agencies, including Interpol. An individual’s fingerprints can be stored on the database for a period of three years from the date of arrest. And with the latest modern technology, we are now able to use our fingerprints to unlock our devices, clock in at work, and verify online purchases.
Yep, fingertips are pretty cool.
Perhaps a lesser known fact is that there is also a governmental public health data collection called Fingertips. The data is overseen by the Office for Health Improvement & Disparities (who even knew there was such a thing?!). It’s a fascinating resource that monitors and collates information about innumerable aspects of public health. The data can be searched and filtered by geography, age, sex, and health condition.
And just when you thought life couldn’t possibly get any more weird, an Italian designer named Francesco Musci has created a set of mini fingertip condoms. These disposable latex fingertip covers are designed to prevent sticky fingers when eating greasy, messy, or smelly foods that require picking up. The product comes in a pack of five colourful tips – the ultimate fashion statement. The consumer is reassured that the tips are extremely thin to enable the diner to still feel the textural sensation of their food, whilst also providing complete protection. Sounds like truly orgasmic dining!
This tip was sent in by a reader who refused to leave their name.
Unfortunately, we are unable to disclose it until we have finished carrying out our inquiries.
This tip is especially for smokers. It’s the tip that makes smoking a rollie bearable.
Of course, if you’re a cool, old-school smoker, there’s no act more rebellious than to smoke a rollie without a filter tip.
The most common filter tip substitution method involves inserting a torn strip of Rizla card with well-practised perfection into the most receptive end of your immaculately rolled fag.
Some hardened smokers even go the extra mile by completely foregoing any form of tip, maintaining that the tobacco tastes better that way, and that filter tips are actually bad for you anyway.
After all, your old grandad smoked 40 Pall Malls a day from the age of 9, and he lived until the ripe old age of 85. It’s just a pity your grandma died from lung cancer at 63, as a result of 45 years’ passive smoking.
C’est la vie.
Did you know that asparagus can be either male or female, depending on whether they have berries?
Did you know that these bright red berries – the fruit of the female asparagus – are poisonous if consumed by humans?
Did you know that asparagus can make your pee smell weird?
Did you know that China is the world’s biggest asparagus producer? (seems everything really is Made in China).
OK, enough with the annoying quiz.
Suffice to say that asparagus is a pretty interesting plant. And the best factoid of all is that this highly nutritious vegetable was even the subject of a fabulous Half Man Half Biscuit tune.
You may be familiar with this popular idiom, denoting the small, perceptible part of a much bigger hidden problem.
Apparently, around nine-tenths of a floating iceberg’s volume lies beneath the surface of the water.
This can be a very useful metaphor when discussing phenomena such as Partygate, in which one small lockdown gathering in Downing Street was the “tip of the iceberg” and the other 11 parties were the stinking mass, hidden deep beneath the slimy, sleazy surface.
Yep, it’s another idiom. Yay!
So, this fun-to-say little phrase actually gets much more use once you pass the age of 50. All those celebrity names you can no longer remember, those song titles you can no longer recall, and the significant dates you have temporarily forgotten.
It’s a common sign of getting older. Despite the fact our vocabulary actually continues to grow throughout our lives, we struggle more often to find the right words at the right moment as we age.
Brain science researchers have recently discovered that this is due to changing patterns of communication between the networks in the brain, which makes them less efficient.
But there’s no cause for concern. It may take a little longer, but you already know where to find these elusive words – they’re all right there on the tip of your tongue.
Last, but most definitely not least, it’s the most definitive tip of all. Yes, it’s THE Tip.
Everyone knows that when Brits talk about THE Tip, they mean business. The top of the tips, the tip of all tips – a trip to the tip is a proper day out for many, despite the likely frustrations.
So, brace yourself, and take all your 50 year-old clutter to the tip (sorry, “recycling centre”) this weekend. You’ll probably end up with a slipped disc, heaps of new clutter to replace the old, and car interiors that will never be clean again, but it’ll be totally worth it.
To fully prepare and make the most of the whole experience, be sure to seek out some top tip tips before your trip.
And there you have it. Thirteen completely useless tips to help you to navigate the aging process after 50.
If you’re now feeling the need for more info about life after 50, you might want to check out “20 Humiliating Injuries & Common Medical Conditions Heading Your Way Soon.”
Happy reading!
Copyright © 2022 Never Mind Media.
All rights reserved.
Fantastic take on the now classic list of tips, some new info for me, and some very quote-worthy lines in there. Keep ’em coming!